So my exit review is today.

I’m pretty satisfied! I doubt anyone is getting cut this year. If they let almost 40 students get THIS far, they’re not going to start trimming us now. I don’t know if they’re going to rank us like they did for midpoint review, or just give feedback. I kind of hope they rank us, just because I want to see which direction I’ve gone from last time. But then I would be really upset if I ranked worse than last year. Anyway.

The atmosphere was so different today from last year. I think it’s because we’re all confident about passing. People looked like they slept at least a couple hours, nobody looked ready to throw up, and I only saw one person crying. One guy was still painting. Thirty minutes before review! I hope he got it done…

I don’t know what emotions to feel!! I’m feeling so many things!! I’m happy it’s nearly over, kind of scared that I have to be an adult now, nervous about the feedback that I get to pick up in about four hours, relieved that the moment I’ve been working toward for four years is finally happening, and kind of sad that it’s all ending.

This is an installation I did in Oak St. Hall’s stairwell last week. Honestly, it’s much more powerful in person… I wish the pictures were of a little better quality/angles, but I had a friend take them for me since my camera is kaput. The installation is still up, because it’s going to be kind of an undertaking to get it down… Thank you @oathovoblivion for the use of Slenderma’am, she fits perfectly in my makeshift shower!

The theme of the installation is hair loss. When I was in high school, I stressed out about way too many stupid little things. (Okay, so I still do sometimes.) It used to get so bad that my hair would fall out in clumps. It would stick to the shower walls and clog the drain, and it would cling to my hands and tangle between my fingers when I washed my hair. Thankfully my hair is really thick, so it didn’t show too much! I wanted to create an installation that mimicked how I felt in the shower, powerless, watching my hair wash away.

The hair is all made of yarn, mostly crochet chains but some of it is just loose. I hot glued a shower nozzle to the wall and strung more crochet chains of blue “water” from the nozzle to the wall. I hot glued the yarn to Slenderma’am’s head. There’s also a drain on the floor that everything swirls around and down into. The mannequin’s “hair” is also wrapping down from her head and up from the floor around her waist and leg, beginning to overtake her. One strand is pulling from her head directly down the drain in a taut line.

Anyway, I think it came out pretty cool, and I just wanted to share!

HOW DID I FUCK THIS UP

I heard the layout for the drawing and painting exit review was posted, so I went to check it out and see where I’m placed. So I checked my position, was alright with it. And then I looked over the new instructions, because they changed the format of review (which pisses me off anyway, more on that behind the cut).

AND THEN I SEE IT’S ON MOTHERFUCKING APRIL 23.

When I looked at the schedule at the beginning of semester, I accidentally looked at the graduate review date. I think my brain saw the word “graduate” and thought verb instead of noun. So the UNDERgraduates’ review is the week prior. I thought I had two weeks to prepare. I only have one.

So now I’m just sitting here stress-crying.

Honestly, it could have been a lot worse. I could have just missed review entirely. I don’t even want to think about that.

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Breathing is for cool kids.

I had to be the asshole who goes to the emergency room at her own birthday party. You’d be surprised at how empty the ER is between 2:30 and 4:30 a.m. on a Saturday.

I had another severe asthma attack. Third one in as many months. Worst one so far.

They prescribed me a nebulizer. It’s good, because if I get one, I won’t have to go to the ER for future attacks. But it’s bad because it’s probably going to cost a shit ton, and I don’t want to be the girl who dies at 35 because she forgot how to breathe without medication.

Whatever. I live to wheeze another day.

I hate flying.

I’m trying to book a flight to Boston for new year’s eve (because honestly I really fucking hate everything about new year’s eve, and spending it in the snowy northeast with my sister would be the absolute best), and everything about it is stressing me out.

I am a bad flyer. I have horrible panic attacks when I’m alone on a plane, and I spend literally the whole time crying and hyperventilating. I am also bad at layovers. I can’t navigate unfamiliar airports on my own. I am *also* bad at comparing flights. I don’t know how to work flight websites. PLUS, I’m in debt right now, and none of these flights are cheap.

BUT I AM GOING TO BOSTON THIS WINTER AND NOTHING WILL STOP ME GODDAMMIT.

Exciting breakthrough!

I just caught myself singing alone!

(This is only really exciting if you know the following: I sing all the goddamn time when I’m hanging out by my lonesome, but I haven’t been able to do so lately because of my massive congestion and terribly sore throat.)

THE SICKNESS IS PASSING.

I fucking hate flu season, mang.

Because I am too impatient to wait for followers to ask, I’m just going to answer them.

1. Three things I want to say to three different people.

  • You need to calm down.
  • You need to calm down, too.
  • Everybody in this house just needs to calm down and eat some fruit or something.

2. One of my insecurities.

  • I will never make the impact that I want to on the art world.

3. What turns me on.

  • Big, hairy, manly men.

4. One of my bad habits.

  • Panicking. I don’t know if it can really be considered a habit, but I do it all the time to the point of panic attacks, and it sucks.

5. Who I wish I could be.

  • Myself, to the fullest.

6. Where I want to be right now.

  • I really wish I was outside in a big open field, stargazing with my love. </cheesy>

7. The last thing I ate.

  • An Oreo. It’s amazing how one damn Oreo can get so much black shit all over your teeth.

8. Sexiest person that comes to my mind immediately.

  • Jake Gyllenhaal. He and Joseph Gordon Levitt are my two movie star man obsessions of late.

9. What song I’m currently listening to.

  • Ludo - “Scream, Scream, Scream”

10. The last time I cried and why.

  • Today, watching Cupcake Wars. I don’t even know why. Shut up, I’m menopausal.

11. Something I’m excited about.

  • My sister’s wedding. It’s less than two weeks away, holy carps!

12. 5 things I like about myself and 5 things I dislike about myself.

  • Likes:
  • My creative talent is sometimes pretty cool.
  • I like singing in the car. Which isn’t really something about myself, but something I like to do a whole lot.
  • I have a pretty smile.
  • And my eyes are a really beautiful color.
  • I’m really close to my whole family. I think it’s important, and I’m lucky to have such a caring and close-knit family.
  • Dislikes
  • I’m perpetually screwing things up with my clumsiness.
  • I think I’m generally just a really annoying person to be around.
  • Sometimes I try too hard to please others, and I just end up looking stupid.
  • I tear myself down really bad, and am capable of very ugly self-loathing.
  • I have bad asthma and bad allergies, and I’m constantly covered in hives or bumps or something gross.

13. Three things I want right now.

  • My painting to dry, so I can get to the next coat.
  • A time-turner.
  • Cuddle time.

It’s things like this.

Recently my favorite customer (about whom I’ve written before: Mr. Thanks-For-The-Refill) paid me a visit. He’s a gentleman probably in his late 60s/early 70s. He comes in all the time and talks to me about whatever he’s got going on in his life. He’s the highlight of my work week hands down; I always look forward to talking with him.

He set a tiny LED flashlight on the counter, and I assumed he was buying it, so I went to scan it. He stopped me and said, “Oh, I’ve already bought this. It’s for you!” He then went on to tell me about “how dangerous it is out there for a girl like me at night.” And with a cheery “happy birthday or merry Christmas!” he left with his decaf coffee.

I was cleaning my purse today and found the flashlight in there, still in the packaging with the batteries. I decided to put it together for whenever I’ll need it, so I peeled back the tape holding on the batteries and thought, “What a strange way to package batteries… What kind of company would waste time taping them to the package?” I looked closer at the package and read “batteries not included.”

Mr. Thanks-For-The-Refill got those batteries separately and taped them to the package for me. What a thoughtful gentleman. People like him are the gems of this earth.